Honestly…

The purpose of this blog is two fold; to keep everyone informed without having to write a multitude of letters, and to keep a journal-like account of our mission.  As people back home get on with their busy lives and their attention wanes, the second purpose remains significant.  Judging from my interest in the lives of my grandparents and great-grandparents, I assume that at some point, our posterity will be interested in our experiences.  I remember typing up my grandfather Johnson’s mission journals and longing to find references to what he was feeling about the people or about his work.  In all of his journals, and he wrote every single day, I found only one or two times where he expressed any emotion.  I would like this to be an honest and full report.  Unfortunately, because I am an imperfect being, that report must include some feelings and responses that are less than perfect.

I’m not exactly sure what I expected as I contemplated serving a mission, but from my reactions to the reality of it, I’m guessing that I expected to have the Holy Ghost with me in a powerful way so that revelation and inspiration could guide my every action.  I would have sure answers to every question.  I suppose I thought that the lives of my family back home would be blessed in ways that would make their days more problem-free, more abundant.  I reckon (a word used often by kiwi’s) I imagined I had something to offer after years of studying and developing certain skills.  My music, my teaching, my leadership experience could somehow make a difference.  I find it doesn’t matter what I guessed, or imagined, or reckoned, because Heavenly Father had a different plan entirely.

I believe I have cried more during the last nine months than I have in the last thirty years.  I feel deep sadness as I am forced to face weaknesses that I thought I had overcome years ago.  They are glaringly large as I strive to be worthy of the Spirit that I feel so dependent upon.  When I need direction the most, I sometimes receive it the least.  At times I have felt very alone. 

At home problems have failed to iron themselves out.  They may even have intensified.  My children battle daunting circumstances, and my heart breaks for them.  I wish I knew what to say or do.  I yearn to be there for them.  I get homesick for my children and my grandchildren…brand new ones that I long to hold.  They have been my life and my every thought for so many years.  The arrangements we made for our home have not worked out and we must find new solutions.  Things are more difficult to manage when you’re thousands of miles away.  We are encouraged to watch the news and be aware of things happening around us, and so we watch as the American dollar goes down against the Kiwi dollar and calculate in our heads how much further we must stretch John’s pension check.  We have watched these last two weeks as the stock market numbers are accompanied by red arrows pointing south.  We worry whether we will have any savings at all by the time we return.  John talks about finding a job when we get back.  We have lived through hundreds of earthquakes in the past nine months, but they have shaken me far less than these things.  Honestly, I have felt the Lord stretching me, trying my faith, and testing my mettle.  I have had moments bordering on despair.

That said, I want my posterity to know that I have felt the Lord’s love for me as I felt the pains of stretching,  I have witnessed an increase of faith as a result of the trials, and I have discovered a resilience to my Spirit as He shows me ways to cope with the testing.  I want to share some of the small but personally meaningful ways He has blessed me recently. 

My brother, Rob, told me this week that he attended a fireside about senior missionary couples.  He came away from that meeting with a powerful witness that the Lord really does know His missionaries and is aware of their needs.  I have watched closely this week for evidence of this truth and I have seen it in abundance.

He knew of my worry over the stock market--a very specific one. While studying for a seminary lesson, I came across this quote from Elder Holland as he encouraged couples to serve missions.  “Those of you who can, put away your golf clubs, don’t worry about the stock market, realize that your grandchildren will still be your grandchildren when you return—and go!  We promise you the experience of a lifetime.”  It was all I needed to hear.  The Spirit whispered that it was true.  The Lord has always provided all that we need, He will continue to do so.  I have always known that when we put the Lord first, He takes care of the rest.  I just needed a reminder.  We also studied D&C 117 this week in seminary and I love the phrase where the Lord asks, “…for what is property to me?”  He reminds us that, “Have I not made the earth?  Do I not hold the destinies of all the armies of the nations of the earth?…[we should not] covet that which is but the drop, and neglect the more weighty matters.”  I will keep working.  The Lord will take care of the other matters—matters of property like money and house, but also matters of eternity like children and grandchildren.  I know He will, because the moments of despair are followed by feelings of power and peace—both manifestations of the Spirit.

He knows that the best way to feel better is to work, and He has given me a mission where there is lots of work to do and I’m so grateful.  I know that President Benson was right when he said, “I have often said one of the greatest secrets of missionary work is work!  If a missionary works, he will get the Spirit, if he gets the Spirit, he will teach by the Spirit, and if he teaches by the Spirit, he will touch the hearts of the people and he will be happy.  There will be no homesickness, no worrying about families, for all time and talents and interests are centered on the work of the ministry.  Work, work, work—there is no satisfactory substitute, especially in missionary work.”  I know if I work here, He will work back home for the good of my family.  It is a great bargain, for where my abilities are so limited, He can do ALL things.

He knows that there is nothing that brings more joy to the heart than love.  I do not believe I was born with the gift of charity like my mother was, but I think many years of praying for it, many efforts to understand the atonement of Jesus Christ, a sincere desire to understand people, and opportunities to serve, have been rewarded in a rich way.  I do love these people!  The love I feel for them, and will always feel for them, is worth all of the struggle.  It is a gift.  A marvelous gift. And, no matter how much love I give, I get more in return.  My heart melted this week as Alice and Alyse showed up at our flat with a stack of towels to help clean up when I flooded our kitchen and laundry room.  I was at the end of my rope, and they were there to reel me in.  They feed us, they pray for us, they make us laugh…they love us.

He knows that I need to quit whining and he sends a message through a trusted friend, “the best way to solve a problem is to go right through it with full force and determination.” 

Rob was right.  The Lord does know His missionaries.  He knows me.  He gives me exactly what I need in the moment that I need it the most.  He may not answer my prayers in the way I anticipate or desire, but He always lets me know that He has heard them, and that He is working things out in His way—the best way.

I am reminded of Lehi’s dream.  After partaking of the fruit he said…”it was most sweet, above all that I ever before tasted…and as I partook of the fruit thereof it filled my soul with exceedingly great joy.”  Nephi was given an interpretation of his father’s dream wherein he came to know that the fruit was the love of God.  I have felt the love of God in abundance on this mission.  It is sweet.  It does fill my soul with exceedingly great joy.  As Lehi, I am “desirous that my family should partake of it also.”  The children and grandchildren that I love so much—I want them to feel the sweetness and joy of God’s love.  The young adults, seminary students, and piano kids—I want them to feel it also.  May we taste of it and feel it always.